“Attention.
Attencion, por favor!” Gavin
clapped his hands loudly from the center of the impeccably decorated Angel
Orensanz Center.
It looked just as stunning as it had yesterday when Mrs.
Petey had taken the nose-dive that currently had her with one sparkling pink
combat boot propped on a chair, sipping the alcohol-free witches’ brew that was
the signature cocktail of tonight’s event.
The only change from yesterday’s initial unveiling of his superlative soiree
swag was the addition of the brown paper bags over the top-hatted Day of
the Dead skulls, reading “Maybe next time”, because today’s celebration was
about the living princess still cosseted the in the secure fortress of her
mommy’s love shack.
“Oh behalf of my Bongiovi besties, I would like to
welcome you to the holiday haps that they’ve so graciously funded for the
benefit of you, their friends and family.
I would also like to be the first to officially announce in a public
venue that Baby Girl is having a baby girl!”
The appropriate applause and catcalls accompanied his
proclamation, and Baby Daddy slid an arm around the bride whom he hadn’t let
wander any further than arm’s reach so far this evening. Tipping up the impish face that Gavin had
bedecked with his now-signature sparkling cobwebs, Jon kissed his wife in a way
that oozed more sweetness than the sugar skull dessert buffet that would be paraded out later.
“Because the disgustingly-in-love parents possess a
combined net worth of ‘fuck you world’ and don’t need all the cliché blankies
and pajamas that come with a typical baby bash, we’ve gathered tonight with the
mission of bestowing something far more precious upon the little bambina.” He fixed the demoness of honor with a prickly
glare and pointed an accusing finger in her direction. “Which I would’ve TOLD you, had you remained
in an upright position for thirty seconds longer.”
He felt free to snark now that the crisis itself was
over. Never in his life had he been so
relieved to see printouts of a golden-orange blob or the deeply grooved dimples
of the little Tinkerhell that waved her baby pictures in his face from
discomfort of a wheelchair. It had
almost been enough to bubble up a tear or two, because if something had
happened to that baby, Petey would’ve been heartbroken and Gavin would’ve died
a little inside himself.
There wasn’t anyone in his life who meant more to him
than that little dark soul. She’d come
along and changed his life with the three-ring circus of hers, and as a result,
he’d found his missing soul-sister. When
she hurt, he was sarcastic, when she was happy… Well, he was sarcastic.
Only Gavin knew that there were differing emotions behind
his shades of sarcasm or that Petey had those emotions wrapped around her demonic
pinky finger. He liked it that way. No one else need bother themselves with the
fact that he was anything other than a stylish, cold-hearted bitch.
“Shut up and get on with my hijacked holiday party,” she
sniped good-naturedly, blowing a kiss his way.
There was nothing that could piss on her parade today,
and it made Gavin just a bit misty-eyed.
“In due time, Mrs. Imp-Patience.” One hand flew up to cover his mouth. “Oh, snap!
I’ve just astounded myself with how clever I am! Please feel free to applaud.”
The room erupted into laughter as he arrogantly waggled
his eyebrows and beamed in acceptance of his well-deserved adoration. No one could manage his level of wit and
sarcasm on the fly, but this time his mouth even out-witted his brain, he thought,
huffing on his fingernails and buffing them against the navy turtleneck from
boyfriend’s new clothing line.
Horribly drab and basic, but good quality, so he’d take
the freebies and smile.
“Could we get on with it?”
Gavin would know that dry sarcasm anywhere and flicked an
admiring chin at his snark sister-in-law, Mr. JBJ’s ex. “Cool your jets Mrs. Bongiovi Bongiovi. You’re just anxious to resume the honeymoon
we’ve so rudely interrupted with this soiree.
There is a coatroom near the back, if you’d like to take your new hubby
on a quickie
tour of it. Just stay away from my
cashmere outerwear, and we’ll be here to entertain you in the afterglow.”
Her middle finger was a couple’s event as the middle Bro
Jo joined in on the traditional salute of their native state.
“That’s not your ring finger, Kitty Snark, but you can
show me the jewels later. Now… where
were we?”
“Neck deep in regret with my decision to let you preside
over this.”
His dapperly coiffed head snapped toward the daddy of
the hour. “Oh please. You’ve toured with the likes of men called 'Ratt'. I’m not even close to the biggest embarrassment in the limelight at a Bongiovi show.”
Boyfriend rolled his eyes, but did a splendid job of
biting his tongue instead of biting back.
Pity. A good
battle of wits with the dental diety could often be quite entertaining, but he
was clearly riding the same cloud of bliss as his adoring wife. Jon said nothing further, but merely scowled
while playing with his loved one’s black bouffant.
Repeatedly, Gavin had told her not to wear her hair like
that. She was not a society matron who
could pull off the up-do – not without his help, anyway. He didn’t care how lazy she was feeling, the
twist she’d jammed a few pins into was more suited to her mother instead of a
pint-sized purveyor of evil, who had a fetal skeleton on the front of her black
t-shirt tonight. Why could she not
settle for a ponytail? Boring as hell,
but at least more age-appropriate.
In fact…
He searched the crowd through narrowed eyes. Yes, there was Mother Teresa now, with hair
more youthfully designed than that of her daughter. Then again, catching a glimpse of big brother Hillbilly Henry with his mountain man beard that belonged in
somebody’s backwoods, Gavin supposed that Petey wasn’t the homeliest Heinz in
the land. Poor Mother Teresa missed the fashion
fleet on refining those two. At least
her other boys and Senator Stepdaddy were looking trendy in their high-priced
couture this evening.
“As I was saying…”
Gavin cleared his throat pointedly, casting defiant eyes around the room
that dared anyone else to interrupt. “We
are each prepared to give the gift of ourselves – no returns allowed, so keep
it zipped Shadow Siren and Sailor Smiley.
Friends and family, in the center of your tables, you will find some
lovely skull-themed notecards along with devilish pitchfork pens. I’m allotting two minutes of soul-searching
and two minutes to spill your soul on the card.
The gifts will presented along with the next round of cocktails.”
“We can’t get drunk before we do this?” Gavin’s favorite member of da boyz called
out.
“Jew boy, who the hell are you kidding? You’ve been pickled since the late
eighties. It’s impossible for you to be
any drunker.”
“He might be an ass, but he’s right,” Richie Slambora
snorted, drawing the arched brow of judgment.
Gavin could diss his friends, but nobody else was permitted to
do so.
“Uh, Detox Dude… people who live in shot glasses
shouldn’t throw whiskey bottles, no matter how expensive they are.”
“Gavin!”
Whirling around to find the preggo of honor her using
telepathy to transmit a hex in his direction, he lifted both hands. “What?!
We’re all friends here.”
“It’s cool, Pretty Dark Angel,” Richie assured, using the
pitchfork pen for his presentation of the Jersey salute. “Nobody takes him seriously, anyway.”
Pious purple eyes rolled to a ceiling that shared a
similarly evil glow. “Even so… Gavin, could you possibly be nice for one
evening?”
“That sassy little shit couldn’t be nice if his life
depended on it.”
Flashing a grin at the only person in here that could
keep up in the bitch department, he preened, “Why thank you Mama JBJ. Why be nice when you can be honest, right?”
God knew the woman had been honest enough at the beginning
of this demonic fairytale, when passing judgment on Petey as nothing more than
one of Satan’s minions. Little had
she known that her new daughter-to-be was the very rich mastermind behind the Hades Horde, not simple one of the impy gang. Gavin’s favorite bedtime story
was how Old Mrs. B got her starched panties handed to her on a cobwebby
platter after trying to cut Petey off at her petite knees.
As far as he knew, the mistake wasn't made a second time.
As far as he knew, the mistake wasn't made a second time.
“Jesus, I have no idea how Jon puts up with him.”
Gavin directed his barracuda grin to the behemoth brother
on the other side of the bridal aisle.
“He considers himself blessed, I’m sure.
As should you, because you don’t interest me enough to spar with. You have the rapier sharp wit of a potato,
Little Big Jovi, but let’s start with your gift to the newest Bongiovi
heir. What will you be supplying? Tutoring?”
His mountainous body leaned to one side to look around
Gavin. “Can I kick his ass just once,
Petey? Please?”
“Where’s the fun in that big boy? We all know you could snap my neck with one
hand. Impress us all and shove your very
thoughtful and appropriate gift down my throat.
Hmm?”
“Shooting lessons.”
The dry, flat proclamation ripped a guffaw from deep
within Gavin. Honest to God, he’d no
idea that the big dumb ox had the ability to be droll. He was going to have to reassess his opinion
of Matt Bongiovi, especially when he saw the look of horror on the Mini
Mistress of the Dark’s face when silently asking her better half if that was a
serious gift.
Priceless.
“Might wanna wait until the first birthday for that,
Bodyguard Brother, but that’s excellent.
Baby Blue, are you jotting all these down for us?” The eldest of Jon’s progeny was rolling her
eyes at the entire clan, but she dutifully nodded and held up the black journal
with purple pages that she’d been assigned upon entry to the gathering. “Thank you, dearest. Okay, who’s next?”
“I’ll go,” came the offer from the newlywed Bongiovi,
also known as He Who Shooteth Tweedy Birds.
Gavin personally thought TBJ should be the one ponying up shooting
lessons, but maybe little brother’s scope was more limited than anyone
suspected. “This is probably not a
surprise, but I’m going to give her a video history of the Bongiovis that I’m
working on. I’ll also document all the
rest of her important moments like birthdays, Christmas and all that.”
“Oh, Tony! How
perfect! Thank you so much!”
Good. Tinkerhell
was pleased so Gavin was pleased. Snark
Kitty’s man had set the bar for the rest of the offerings, and the round robin
of elite one-upmanship began, just as the Fairy Gaymother had planned.
Baby sitting from the grandmommies, trips to the zoo from
Senator Stepdaddy, cooking lessons from
Grandpa B, bouncer service from the little one’s three older brothers,
blacksmithery from Hillbilly Henry, love of football from the Heinz uncles, an
eye for art from the Cuban drummer, the understanding of how to only see the
best in people from Rehab Richie, underage drinking venue from Liquored Lema.
All were fairly predictable, and perhaps Gavin’s gift to
the celebrated offspring would be just as predictable to the remaining
partygoers, but he had no choice.
“Last, but not least, I shall be providing my impeccable
fashion sense to the beautiful babe, as well as her name. I’ve decided upon Bronwen Gavinia.”
Peteykins spit purple witches’ brew all over the
table. “Excuse me?”
“Honey, someone has to bestow fashion sense on this
child. She will be the most beautiful
creature roaming the earth, and we can’t have her looking like white vampire
trash.”
“Okay, first of all, I know you didn’t just call me
trashy. Because if you do, we're going to start transitioning you to a woman right here and now.” Kohl cobwebs shimmered as she narrowed her vicious violet vision his way. “Secondly, I was talking about her name. You’re not naming her.”
Rising from his seat and cocking one hip, Gavin crossed
his arms and obstinately jutted out his chin.
“Bronwen means ‘dark and beautiful’.
I fail to see how there could be a more appropriate name for this child,
but you can call her whatever you wish.
Auntie Gavin will be addressing her as Bronwen.”
“We will have this argument later. In private,” the pixie hellion decreed through teeth that were being ground to dust at this very moment. “But, for the record, her
name is Gianna. The Italian feminine version of 'John'.”
Gianna.
He blinked absently at his dark friend as he let that
sink in.
Gianna. G
Jovi. Gia. Gigi.
Giggles.
Giggles.
Oh, that was toooooo ridiculously
cute. He was going to have a little
Giggles to dress up and play dollies with.
Yes, yes, yes please!
“Very well,” he deigned after deciding it would be wisest
to keep those adorable nicknames to himself until the birth certificate was
printed, lest they choose something that was hideous beyond repair. “I concede Gianna. What about her other name?”
“Milsèan,” came the firm assertion from
Papa Bear. “It's Irish for 'sweet', and with the Italian Gianna for my side of the family, both sides of her heritage are represented."
Fixing both of them with a peevish pucker that was only
for looks, Gavin realized that it didn’t matter what they named the little
Valentine’s Day Darling. He would still
call her whatever he liked. That was his
prerogative as the godparent they would surely name him to be.
“Perfection, Daddy Dearest,” Gavin conceded, letting his
pucker puss slide into a more congenial smile as he reached for his
cocktail. “Let’s all lift our glasses in
a toast to baby, shall we?
Health, happiness and love – from her first day to her last, a hundred
years later. To Gianna!”
For once, there was no quibbling, snarking, back biting,
or arguing among the vocally diverse group.
The room abounded with nothing but fond smiles and well wishes as fine
crystal was raised to reflect not only a prism of purple, but the love of
family and friends.
Miss Gianna Milsèan Bongiovi was going to be very blessed, indeed.